Everyone knows that Yahoo Answers is a great forum to post a question you may be too embarrassed to ask someone you know in real life. For example, you may want to ask an anonymous pool of individuals if a certain style you are thinking of wearing is highly outdated, or perhaps you just want to get some advice about how to handle an awkward situation with an ex.
However, some of the questions posed on Yahoo Answers are simply ridiculous, revealing the unfortunate ignorance and idiocy of the general populace. With every outlandish query that we read, we become more obsessed with the insanity that often plagues the site. So sit back, relax, and enjoy this entertaining ride through the most bizarre questions posted in the world of Yahoo Answers.
“My period is late. Am I pregnant?”
Have you seriously never heard of an at-home pregnancy test? Even if an entire medical staff were to log into Yahoo Answers to respond to you, which we are pretty sure would never happen, they would have no way of knowing if you are pregnant without giving you a urine or blood test and reading the results. Our best advice is to sign off and get tested.
“I would like to know my career in 2014.”
We agree that it would be unbelievably awesome if Yahoo Answers was a Web-based psychic line, but unfortunately, that just isn’t the case. We hate to be the ones to have to break it to you, but people who are responding to you on Yahoo Answers can’t pull your resume up in a crystal ball or predict the future. Maybe you should start looking for jobs or working on your resume rather than asking questions on Yahoo Answers if you want a new career in 2014.
“I don’t understand this essay question. Help?”
The last time we checked, Yahoo Answers doesn’t assign essay questions; your teacher does. Why would you consult a group of people who likely didn’t finish high school when you could instead get direct answers from the person who has assigned and will be grading your paper? Either you’re actually a wise and manipulative person who is hoping that someone will give you material to work with in writing this paper, or you’re really dumb enough to not understand that you could just ask your teacher for some clarification.
“I wear a size six in women’s Uggs. What size should buy in toddlers’ Uggs?”
A toddler is a baby; you are a grown woman. No matter how freakishly small your feet may be, you will never be able to slide them into a pair of shoes designed for a baby’s feet, end of story. If you are willing to pay so much for a pair of shoes, why are you trying to squeeze them into a pair that’s probably too small for you just for the sake of saving a few bucks? If you’re that down and out that you can’t afford adult shoes, maybe you should be shopping for more affordable brands.
“Why is my EBT card declined at KFC?”
If you’re utilizing a government program like food stamps, it’s probably a good idea to check out the requirements before heading out and trying to use your EBT card. In addition to informing yourself, you should probably avoid wasting your limited funds on fast food when you could be buying bulk veggies and grains that will actually tide you over for a while.
“Why can’t I compliment the chef at McDonald’s?”
It is really no wonder that obesity has become such a widespread epidemic around the world; apparently, people like you actually believe that there are chefs whipping up your meals at McDonald’s. Think about it: Your McDonald’s meal tastes the same wherever you are, whether you’re in the heart of New York City or sitting on the beach in California. Doesn’t that alone give you a hint that the food is pre-made? While we hope you will start paying attention to what you’re putting in your body, we do commend you on trying to brighten someone’s day. But next time, instead of trying to compliment the chef, just thank the worker who stuffed it in a bag for you.
“Is it wrong to have sex with your teacher?”
The fact that you are even asking this question completely baffles us. In one word, which we shouldn’t even have to say because you should already know this: YES.
“Did my water break?”
That you aren’t sure if your water broke isn’t what’s absurd; what is crazy is that you actually took the time to turn on your computer, log onto Yahoo Answers, type this question out, and wait for a response. If your water did break, you would need to be en route to the hospital immediately and wouldn’t have time for all of us to scroll through an respond to your question. Get going, girl!
“What should I do if I think I married someone who can’t control what they do?”
First of all, a basic course in English grammar could really help you, being that we could barely read your question. Second of all, could you possibly be more general and vague? We think not. How do you expect anyone to give you proper advice when you simply say she snaps at you sometimes? And since you apparently married someone before spending any quality time getting to know what she’s like, maybe you should be getting to know your wife instead of sitting on Yahoo Answers.
“My ex-best friend was having sex with my dog?”
The fact that you listened long enough to the physical contact between your friend and your dog to deem her screams as “more orgasmic than frightened” is downright disturbing. And honestly, what is your question? It seems like you just want to talk about this encounter with strangers, which quite frankly, is just as weird as what your friend was supposedly doing with your pet.
“Is it okay to eat Chick-Fil-A while I’m throwing up?”
Do you really need a group of strangers to tell you that eating fried chicken while you are battling a stomach bug is a terrible idea? If you honestly can’t stop throwing up, you should probably be sitting in the emergency room at your local hospital instead of staying holed up at home asking questions online. And while some ginger ale and soda crackers might settle your stomach, a four-year old could tell you that a pile of fried chicken isn’t going to do your stomach any favors, even when you’re not sick.
“What are some good excuses for not doing a weekend homework assignment?”
By the time they have been teaching for even just a few years, most teachers have heard just about every excuse in the book that students use to try to justify missing assignments. Believe it or not, most of them are also just as savvy as you are when it comes to surfing the Web, so publicly asking for an excuse is probably not the wisest idea. We have a great notion that will solve your problem right away: Do your homework!
“Is this the new site for Tumblr?”
Not only is Tumblr still in existence and hasn’t been replaced or moved, Yahoo Answers has been around much longer than it has. With Tumblr being a blogging and sharing platform, we really have no idea how you could confuse the two platforms. Welcome to the twenty-first century.
“How do you hide a dead body?”
By the time you see this response, the police should be banging down your door after tracking your IP address. If you really do have a dead body on your hands, do you really think it’s the wisest idea to proclaim that publicly in cyberspace? Great job at giving the police a nice trail that they can use to easily track you down and prosecute you for your crimes.
“How do I steal a cigarette from someone?”
If you aren’t old enough to support your habit and have to resort to stealing from your parents, then you’re definitely not mature enough to be deciding whether to start an addictive behavior like smoking. Your immaturity is only exaggerated by the fact that you don’t know how to steal and have to resort to asking others for lessons on how to do so. Maybe you should follow your own advice and buy that lollipop instead; it seems like it would be more age-appropriate.
“HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?” FUNNY YAHOO ANSWER
How can we honestly respond to this question without sounding like condescending jerks? Well, you see, you could just hit the “caps lock” button one more time, and voila, your problem will be solved. That was a kind way of phrasing an answer to a stupid question, right?
“Can I use a Ziploc bag instead of a condom?”
No offense is intended, but someone was either homeschooled or slept through health class. Not only can you get free condoms from a family planning clinic, a Ziploc bag isn’t much cheaper and certainly isn’t going to prevent a pregnancy without a snug fit and spermicide. You say that you know that condoms are a better alternative; if you already possess this knowledge, then maybe you should abstain from having sex while you’re broke, or get your hands on some protection.
“How can I have sex with a guy without being gay?”
This question is comparable to asking how one could eat chicken without actually consuming meat. If you are gay, you are physically attracted to those of the same sex rather than those of a different gender. There isn’t some magic pill you can take before having gay sex that will somehow make it a heterosexual experience. Instead of looking for ways to deny your feelings, maybe you should focus on coming to terms with the fact that your sexuality may be different than you had previously thought; there’s no shame in that.
“Where is my mom right now?”
We empathize with you if you’re having a tough time finding your mom, but are you really consulting Yahoo Answers for help in locating a missing person? A local police force is a lot more likely to be able to help you find your mother than an anonymous group of people on Yahoo Answers who have no idea who she is. Are you honestly expecting people to keep an eye out for someone who seems like she would have a son or daughter who would be looking for her on Yahoo Answers?
“Electrocuted??? Please answer!”
In matters of life and death, consulting a doctor would probably be a wise decision, wouldn’t you agree? We don’t even know the name or the specifics of the condition causing you to take heart pills, so how could we be even remotely educated enough to provide you with real answers? Instead of asking us, call a nurses’ hotline and get some real answers from qualified professionals rather than from those pretending to know what they are taking about on Yahoo Answers.
“How can I get rid of my fart smell without opening the window?”
First of all, if you have been letting out so much gas that it smells as toxic as you are claiming it is, perhaps you should see a doctor about your overly toxic flatulence. While Febreze does wonders in clearing up smells, sometimes you just have to suffer the consequences of your own actions and open a window to air it out, buddy! You really shouldn’t have needed our advice to answer that question.
“How can I resurrect my dead cat?”
We get it. Death is a topic that most of us find to be uncomfortable, distressing, and just plain sad. Regardless of what you believe about the afterlife, it’s done when it’s done in this lifetime. We’re sure there’s a self-proclaimed “witch doctor” out there somewhere who will be more than happy to take your money and claim to give it a try, though!
“Is it bad if 19-year-old from NY pees in bed?”
Quite honestly, we aren’t sure why the fact that she lives in New York is relevant to the question, but that’s neither here nor there. We’re not sure what you mean by the vague term “bad,” but yes, we’re pretty sure that it is indeed “bad” if someone who is old enough to enlist in the military is still wetting the bed. Not only would it create an uncomfortable mess for her to have to clean up every morning, we think it’s safe so say that any potential bedmate would be scared away pretty quickly once he obtained knowledge of her “problem.”
“Is it okay to have casual sex with my cousin?”
You seem to think the fact that you are related by blood actually makes it more acceptable for the two of you to be sexually intimate, but that’s precisely what makes it so disturbing. Just because you deem it to be “casual” doesn’t mean that you won’t get pregnant and face serious repercussions for your escapades. Sure, your family may know all of your most intimate secrets, but think about it: Should you really be sexually intimate with someone to whom you are related? We think not, and if you give it some honest thought, we really think you will come to agree with us.
“If I eat only protein and cake from yesterday’s birthday party, will I lose weight?”
Are you really insinuating that you think you could lose weight eating nothing but birthday cake and bacon? We are pretty sure the only way you would lose weight on this diet is if you run out of your cake supply and the stock of lunchmeats in your refrigerator, but then again, maybe you should give it a try so we can all see what happens.